100 Plus and Panadols

I feel so misreable today. Being sick is one of those things i really hate as my brain stops to function at the optimum level and my head is buzzing and pounding like there is a crazy Pink Floyd concert going on inside there.

Speaking of concerts, there is nothing that beats the feeling you get when you are on stage and performing (that's was my pre-corporate days). I have to admit it that i love the attention and i unashamedly seek it. Yes, i have that rock star ego thingy...i think. But anyhow, one of the things that i have told myself i will do before 2007 closes is to finish up the songs i wrote and get them recorded. At the moment, i managed to get Terry (bass) involved although he is busy with work and is currently persuading Joeboy (drums) as well. I am in the process of brushing up my guitar skills so that i can play well enough for the recording later on. I plan to record the songs live but one of my guitar mentor told me that i can do a layered recording using his effects machine at his home. Hmm...that sounds great and i can also add piano music to it eh? But time is running short and everyone is so caught up with their work so how am i gonna manage this? I dont know at the moment cause i so cant think but i'll find a way.

My old friend the optimist

I want to rise today and change my world
But the world wont change if i dont myself
There are so many things to re-arrange
Starting with what i think and feel

I want to count my blessings
I want to hear the music
To change this world
Before it changes me

I want to throw it all away
Pieces of the old broken me
What use for relics of sadness
If not to shackle your heart

I want to laugh big and smile
I want to lift off and dream
To change this world
Before it changes me

I want to keep a happy memory
To serve as a guide to me
So many new things to try
Too few to tell my stories to

I rise today to change the world
Before the world changes me
The skies are blue with no limits
Its the time for the optimist :)

My mad season

The fall of 2007 have been a mad season for me where for some unknown reason, i lost my plot and fell for this girl. I cant help to feel sheepish and embarrased when i asked myself "what was i thinking when i did what i did to start this whole episode". I normally do not i repeat do not simply lose my senses over a girl and over the other flings in the past i did not get mindf**ked like i did this time.

But when i looked back and analyzed it, i went through a similar experience in 2001 when i fell head over heels for someone and got burn pretty badly (close to emotional annhilation). Both these cases are the only times which i got mindf**cked and i cant help to compare both situations. Both of them have a unique personality which get guys go crazy over them, both have somewhat a mysterious aura about them and most of all the depth in overall character. Although there are many differences that makes the two of them seperate individuals, my kryptonite has always been girls who are different than others and have unique personalities which borders weirdness at times.

I also realised that in both cases, the girl always have a positive side effect on me which kinda makes me wanna change myself for the better. The last experience played a big part in my self discovery and also shaped the personality which most of you know me for during MMU days. Then my career came and other shits (heartbreaks and all) happened and along the way i kinda went to a slump where i was kinda lost steam and enthusiasm on life in general. I was more like on autopilot whenever i get off work where life is all about the internets and teh tariks. My professional persona was not affected by all of this but the "fun loving highly fuelled" me was suffering and in fact burning out. Its not that i dont have anything to do or lack of homies to hang out with, its just there is hole in me that all. Somehow, i was pretty suprised to see myself to fall for E.L as i never thought she was the person she is but after getting to know her slightly better, i realised there is more than meets the eye and the next thing i know, i fell deeply for her.

Yeps, i repeated the same mistake twice but this time i saw it coming and did everything i dint do the last time and said all the things i wanted to say before it was too late. I have no regrets of over what i have did but i have to admit i could have done better but too bad i aint Marty McFly. For once in my life, i thought i have found my everything in her and i would run to the ends of the earth to make her happy but when things are too good to be true, its just that. Hope fails, dreams vanish and life goes on. Its gonna take me sometime before i can truly wear off my disappointments but she will always have special place in here my heart. Fall of 2007 have been truly memorable where i was found and lost again, happy and sad all jumbled up like a Timbaland remix.

Songwriter's block

One of the ways i express myself is to write songs and many of those are crap honestly speaking. But from the craps i wrote one or two manage to find themselves a melody over a chord progression and hopefully i will be able to record a demo single with three tracks before Christmas this year. I've been heavily influenced by Keane and Radiohead lately but since i cant find the melody and words i have been looking for, i decided to do what self respecting song writers and musicians do: listen to other genres be it pop, country, dance, hip hop, yadda yadda. One of the songs i heard this morning over the radio (MyFM) and got stuck in my head is 不能说的秘密 (Secrets I cant Tell) by Jay Chou. The mood was just right with the rainy morning and the slow traffic. The words suits my current emo but not hardcore enough to distrupt anything so i decide to feature the lyrics below to let you know what i mean. Sometimes i wish i can write songs like this...damn.

不能说的秘密 (Secrets I cant Tell)

冷咖啡离开了杯垫
leng ka fei li kai le bei dian
As the cold coffee leaves the coaster

我忍住的情绪在很后面
wo ren zhu de qing xu zai hen hou mian
I desperately tried to hold my emotions far behind

拼命想挽回的从前
pin ming xiang wan hui de cong qian
Fighting hard to restore the past

在我脸上依旧清晰可见
zai wo lian shang yi jiu qing xi ke jian
On my face you can still see ever so clearly

最美的不是下雨天
zui mei de bu shi xia yu tian
that rainy day wasn’t the most beautiful

是曾与你躲过雨的屋檐 oh~~
shi ceng yu ni duo guo yu de wu yan
It’s the shelters that I once shared with you in the rain

回忆的画面
hui yi de hua mian
The pictures in my memory

在荡着秋千 梦开始不甜
zai dang zhe qiu qian meng kai shi bu tian
While on the swings dreams become less sweet

你说把爱渐渐 放下会走更远
ni shuo ba ai jian jian fang xia hui zou geng yuan
You told me that by gradually letting go I’d be able to go further

又何必去改变已错过的时间
you he bi qu gai bian ni cuo guo de shi jian
and why bother changing the times that you’ve missed

你用你的指尖 阻止我说再见
ni yong ni de zhi jian zu zhi wo shuo zai jian
you used your fingertip to stop me from saying goodbye

想像你在身边在完全失去之前
xiang xiang ni zai shen bian zai wan quan shi qu zhi qian
imaging you being by my side before you completely disappear

你说把爱渐渐 放下会走更远
ni shuo ba ai jian jian fang xia hui zou geng yuan
You told me that by gradually letting go I’d be able to go further

或许命运的签 只让我们遇见
huo xu ming yun de qian zhi rang wo men yu jian
Perhaps life’s destiny only allowed us to meet

只让我们相恋 这一季的秋天
zhi rang wo men xiang lian zhe yi ji de qiu tian
(and) Only allowed us to love this one season of fall

飘落後才发现 这幸福的碎片
piao luo hou cai fa xian zhe xing fu de sui pian
only after the pieces drifted down that I realized these are the pieces of happiness

要我怎麼捡
yao wo zen me jian
How do i pick them up

Not so spotless mind

Just when i was about to enjoy some peace in my mind and have a normal semblence of life, something have to just come and spoil it. While driving home i was listening to my usual Lite.fm Eighties evening (where they play funky songs from 80's where synthesizers were heavily used and sometimes is just plain annoying) when suddenly they have to feature Richard Marx. I thought ok lar a bit of "Endless Summer" or "Right Here Waiting" wont hurt but NOO..they decide to play a song i have not heard on the radio for ages which is "Hold On to the Night". Its basically a song about being in a emotional dilemma and words of the lyrics just hits you like an Al-Qaeda suicide bomber (totally suprising and right to the heart). Now i'm not gonna put those words here cause you need the music and the singing to complete the damage (hints: go search you tube, there is a live performance of that song) but the damage was unexpected. I was like in emo mode the rest of the evening. Better still out of the blue some friend of mine which normally dont buzz me online went and ask how come my status is emo ( its being like dat for ages lar...u dont notice only). So i told him the summary of it and he gave me the same advice most people giving...continue the pursuit. But my question is this, i do want to chase but what if she has stopped running long time ago. A million dollar question that is.

Gulp thy coffee

Well, i am writing this right now in my office with my hot black coffee smelling good beside me. Its been raining since i woke up early this morning and getting to work seems to be a little adventure by itself. I have had a weekend of intense reflection as well as resolution regarding my sad current affairs. After going through a stage of denial, anger at myself, i am now beginning to enter a stage of acceptence which although might be to early to say today but i would like to think i am slowly crawling out of the moment which i am stuck on.

Although i feel very much towards her and would defintely stuck it out for her but looking at situation, i think it is safer for me to lower my expectations and hope that things would turn out right not only for me but also for her. In the end of the day, she still means a lot to me and i do owe it to her for some of the positive changes in my life as well for giving me back the sense of direction in my life which i have lost for quite some time. For this, i will try to move on with my life positively and silently hope that i'm not written off when she is ready the next time. Well, my coffee is getting cold now.

All you can bring is all that you cant leave behind

Comedies sometimes are the best escape you can find from your troubled heart. Watching Chuck & Larry last night made me feel good but at the same time the parts on relationships made me feel slightly uncomfortable. I think this is because the person whom I am trying to forget for the past one week is just sitting two seats away from me. It’s the first time I am seeing her after what happened early last week and for the first time I am finding that’s its very difficult to pretend that nothing has happened when you realize that deep inside you the feelings still linger and you actually miss that person so much. No matter how much I try to not to think about her the whole day or week, it still haunts me once a while. Its hurts when you cant show how much you care or tell her how much you miss her. I guess she had a point when she told me that missing someone can lead to suffering.....

My long road to ruin

I have been thinking about this for quite some time now. Is it to pursue something that might be futile although there are some chances of success? Have i got anything to lose sticking it out? Is it worth it? You know what, even if there is a 5 % chance i will still proceed and i have nothing to lose anyways. For all this is worth, it is more than worth my time and effort to aim for something that means more than anything to me. I am now drawing strength from a song by the foo fighters taken from their new album:

Long Road to Ruin

Here now don't make a sound
Say hey have you heard the news today
One flag was taken down
To raise another in its place
A heavy cross you bear
A stubborn heart remains unchanged
No harm, no life, no love
No stranger singing in your name

Maybe the season
The colors change in the valley skies
Dear God I've sealed my fate
Running through hell
Heaven can wait

Long road to ruin
There in your eyes
Under the cold streetlights
No tomorrow
No dead end in sight

Let's say we take this town
No king or queen of any state
Get up to shut it down
Open the streets and raise the gates
I know a wall to scale
I know a field without a name
Head on without a care
Before it's way too late

Maybe the season
The colors change in the valley skies
Oh God I've sealed my fate
Running through hell
Heaven can wait

Long road to ruin
There in your eyes
Under the cold streetlights
No tomorrow
No dead end in sight

Long road to ruin
There in your eyes
Under the cold streetlights
No tomorrow
No dead end in sight

For every piece to fall in place
Forever gone without a trace
Your horizon takes its shape
No turning back, don't turn that page

Come now, I'm leaving here tonight
Come now, let's leave it all behind
Is that the price you pay
Running through hell
Heaven can wait

Long road to ruin
There in your eyes
Under the cold streetlights
No tomorrow
No dead ends

P.S: Dont forget to support Dave and the Foos by buying their new album Echoes, Silence,Patience & Grace available in stores & iTunes now!!

To Space and Beyond

I just realized that i have been ignoring this blog of mine after my image hosting site screwed me up and also due to my lack of time and commitment to writing. Actually i do write but i do not publish it as it contains details which i do not want to share as well as it has sensitive information.

I am writing again on this month of October 07 where Malaysia now has a Spaceman and i cant understand what the fuss is about when any Tom, Dick and Harry can go to space with USD 30 million like Dennis Tito. Oh well, thats another story altogether. The main reason i am writing now is because its like therapy for me when i am bothered by something or cant find a solution to my problems.

Problem: I am a lalang swaying left and right without any direction.WTF happened and why?
Solution: Even lalang grows towards the sun despite swaying left and right. Find the sun and i shall i get my answer.

I have been exposed to the cosmic rays.......nuff said.